


Consumed

by Jennifer_Collins



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Black Widow - Freeform, Existential, F/M, Intense Relationships, Iron Widow - Freeform, Tonynat, conflicted feelings, emotional issues, powerful feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 03:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20650361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jennifer_Collins/pseuds/Jennifer_Collins
Summary: Natasha has mixed feelings about being resurrected after the events of Endgame. Luckily, there's one other person who can understand.





	1. Prologue

1\. She didn’t know where she was, only that she was alone and it was white, endless, hot. Sometimes cold, and all-consuming. She still had her memories, of that she was sure, and sometimes these little flashes would jump out at her consciousness- a fire (that had consumed everything too), tiny fingers cleaning a German pistol, all the blood (so much blood). Dancing in a ballet studio (was that even a real memory?), a man covered in ice that confused her, running away, watching through the lens of an assault rifle through a window as a man made of iron went about his day (he was actually more heart than iron). A strong hand pulling her back, a soft voice telling her she had a choice, an angry eyepatch, Budapest, Avengers…. Them. A charming smile hidden behind tinted glasses, clear blue eyes reflecting honor and trust, a flash of green anger and fear, a bolt of lightning in the rain. 

Not everything was bad, not everything was covered in blood. Clint’s laughter as she pinned him to the mat, her mouth twitching involuntarily at Tony’s vicious sarcasm, Thor’s innocent observations, stolen kisses with Bruce in an empty room, the almost panic in Steve’s voice as he shoved a piece of technology in her face, asking her how to reply to a text…. Three little pairs of tiny hands with tiny fingers, all grabbing excitedly at her legs…

Then there was the really bad stuff, like the look on Clint’s face as she fell that clouded the endlessness. Sometimes she saw these things in a loop, sometimes in mixed fragments. Sometimes she talked to herself, sometimes she didn’t. Sometimes she answered herself, sometimes she didn’t. But it was always the same, until it wasn’t. She was always alone, until she wasn’t. Until he appeared. 

Even in her joy of seeing him, actually seeing his face with his warm brown eyes, perfectly gelled hair, neatly trimmed goatee and shining, straight white teeth, even though her heart was warm with the recognition of someone else, she knew that it couldn’t be a good thing, him being here. 

“Natasha.” His voice was clear, his expression fond.

“Tony,” she whispered, reaching out to touch his face. It was smooth, soft, and oh so warm and her fingers tingled with electricity on contact. 

“You’re here, you’re okay,” he murmured, enveloping her in an all-consuming hug. “What is this place?” 

“I don’t know,” she answered, staring at him with pity. “What happened?” 

“We won,” he told her, and suddenly a million different things were reflected in his eyes that she could see, even through those dark tinted glasses, and she wondered which pieces of his own memories he was recalling. 

“What else?” She asked, gazing up at him. 

“I snapped my fingers,” he said, the dawn of realization muddying his perfect features. 

A single tear trickled down her cheek before she even knew it had been stinging at the back of her eye. “I didn’t want this for you,” she told him. “But I’m glad you’re here.” 

He nodded. “You too.” He was looking all around, clearly trying to figure out where “here” is, but she knew he would only find the white, the hot, the cold that would now consume him too. 

“I don’t know how to get out of this place,” she whispered in sympathy. 

He was quiet for so long that she didn’t think he would give her an answer. Finally, he said, “well, then I guess you’re stuck with me for an eternity, darling.” 

2\. “How did you get the soul stone?” Tony asked. 

“I loved him,” she said simply. “And he loved me.” 

He nodded. “You know, if it was any one of us on that planet with you, other than him? It still would’ve worked. Your sacrifice would’ve held.” 

“I know,” she said seriously. 

“If it was me. If I was there with you. I would’ve been able to possess the stone.” 

She managed a smile. “Thank you.” 

“Were you scared?” 

“No.” She thought for a moment. “Not until I was already falling,” she added. “But I guess that’s how these things tend to go.” 

He was studying her with an expression she’d seen many times before and she knew it meant he was thinking about a lot of things at once. “You didn’t have to.” 

“We both know that’s not true.”

He shook his head. “You could’ve made another choice.” 

“But I love you. And I love them.” Her eyes widened as she remembered something. “Was there anyone else?” She asked, her lower lip trembling.

“No. No, just us.”

“What was it like for you?” She asked. “Were you scared? Did it hurt?” 

“Yeah,” he said. “It hurt a lot actually. But it was worth it. And I was very scared. Until I saw you here.” 

She nodded. 

“It was dark. It was so dark, I couldn’t see. And then it was so white I couldn’t see either….” He murmured, lost in thought. 

“The sun,” she whispered. 

He frowned. “That’s not the sun.” 

“It’s what I call it. It’s like the sun. Endless, white. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. And all-consuming.” 

He nodded in understanding. “Then I will call it the sun too.” 

“Are we dead?” She asked. 

He turned to look at her, finding a childlike innocence in her eyes. “I don’t know what we are.” 

“I tried to get out of this place. But I don’t know how.” 

He took her hand. “Well, then I guess you’re stuck with me for eternity, darling.” 

3\. “How long has it been?” She wondered. Time stood still from where she was standing.

He thought about her question, then he remembered. “It’s been three days since your sacrifice.” 

“Oh,” she said. “It feels like a lot longer. At least, I think it does.” 

“I really missed you, Nat,” he said, sliding down until he was sitting. 

“I missed you too,” she told him seriously. 

“I just want to go to sleep,” he said. 

She looked at him, wondering if he even could. She never had, since she’d been here. “You can give it a try. I’ll watch over you,” she promised. 

He closed his eyes. 

“Let me know if you dream,” she said softly. “Because I don’t know how to get out of this place.” 

He smiled, his eyes still closed. “Well, then I guess you’re stuck with me for eternity, darling.” 

“I think I’m okay with that,” she whispered, but she wasn’t sure if he heard her. 

4\. “I used to dance,” she told him. “In the Red Room. Before all the blood.” 

He opened his eyes, not moving from his sitting position. “I used to do a lot of things.”

She twirled around until he stood, and she used his face as a focal point as she turned, over and over and over on her toes. “Would you like to dance?” She asked hopefully.  
He frowned. “I don’t know how.” 

“I’ll show you,” she whispered, holding out her hand. 

He took it, his other hand moving to her waist and she could feel the heat from his fingers spread throughout her body as they danced. 

“I do this a lot,” she told him. 

“I’m not surprised.” 

“It’s the only thing I can do here, besides remember. I don’t know how to get out of this place.” 

He placed his other hand on her waist, lifted her up and spun her around before setting her back down in a low dip. “Then I guess you’re stuck with me for eternity, darling.” 

“I wouldn’t use the word ‘stuck,’” she said, her green eyes locking onto his brown ones on the way up. 

5\. “Ninety-two,” he said, his voice carrying into the endless white expanse. 

“What?” She asked, stopping mid arabesque to stare at him as he sat. 

“That’s how many days I was in captivity. Ninety-two.” His eyes were round as he looked up at her and she moved to sit down next to him. 

“How did you get out?” She wondered, reaching over to thread her fingers through his hair.

“Iron Man saved me,” he said simply. 

She nodded. “Iron Man saved us all.” 

They were silent for a long time before she thought to ask, “Do you know how to get us out of here?” 

“No.” 

“Oh. Me neither.” 

“Well, then I guess you’re stuck with me for an eternity, darling.” 

6\. “Where do you think here is?” She asked him. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do you think they’re okay without us?” Her voice shook a little when she said it. 

“I know they are.” 

“Yeah. I guess I know that too.” 

He slipped his hand into hers when she sat next to him. 

“You know there’s still red in my ledger,” she said. “I’m not sure if this was enough to wipe it out.” 

“You’re a good girl, Natasha. You don’t owe anyone anything.” 

She looked down. “Still.” 

He patted her knee. “I’m Tony Stark. I can buy it out for you.” 

She grinned, but the smile on her face didn’t last long. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get us out of here,” she said, leaning her head on his shoulder. 

He wrapped an arm around her, drawing her in. “Well, then I guess I’m sorry that you’re stuck with me for eternity, darling.” 

She raised her head, pressing her nose to his cheek. “I’m not,” she whispered. 

7\. “What do you want?” He asked her, his brow furrowed. He had finally stood. 

She didn’t have to think too long before she answered. “I just want to feel something again.” 

He swallowed hard, moving closer to her and for a second he looked just like he did when he was there and not here, and his hand was sliding along her jaw, tilting her chin up to look at him and all she wanted to do was look at him. 

He leaned closer, pressing his lips lightly to hers and the spark lit from her lips through her bloodstream and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest as pressed herself against him, so close that she wondered if he could feel it too. 

She kissed him back, her arms wrapping around his neck of their own volition, hands running through his hair as his arms encircled her waist, drawing her in and holding her close. 

His mouth was soft, endless, all-consuming and she wanted to devour all of it….. 

Suddenly she felt the pull and her eyes shot open. His were open too and he tried to grab her, holding tightly to her hand, but she was still pulled away. 

She threw her force against it with all her might, holding onto his hand, but she was still slipping away…. 

“No,” she said. “No! I don’t want to go…. I want to be stuck here with you, for eternity…..” In the end, she wasn’t sure if she actually said those words out loud, but they were definitely there, and his face looked different from Clint’s as he watched in horror as she was pulled away from him. Different, but similar. 

She was pulled away, and it was endless, and white. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold, but all-consuming.


	2. Chapter 1

Her eyelids slowly fluttered open and the first thing she was conscious of was someone holding her hand.

“Oh, thank God!” a familiar voice said. 

She blinked in the artificial light, struggled to turn her head, but it felt so heavy. 

“Tasha.” 

She felt a pair of hands on her shoulders and slowly things started to come into focus. “Clint?” His face was right next to hers as she struggled to sit up. 

He lifted her gently, his arms strong around her as he embraced her fiercely. “Welcome back.” He was smiling, a wide crooked smile that took over his whole face. 

She hugged him back, grateful to have something stable to hold onto. “Where are we?” 

“We’re in the medical bay at the tower,” he told her. “Everyone’s here. Do you remember what happened?” 

“We were on Vormir,” she said, scanning the room to find that they weren’t alone. Her eyes widened as she recognized Bruce, Rhodey, Thor, Sam, and Stephen Strange. 

“Easy, Nat,” Bruce said gently. 

She frowned. “I had to get the soul stone, but what? How?” 

“We’ll explain later,” Rhodey told her. “For now, let’s just get you settled.” 

XXXXX

She walked arm in arm with Clint around the Avenger’s Tower. “Why aren’t we at the compound?” She wondered aloud. 

“It was destroyed,” He replied. “We have a lot to catch you up on.” 

She nodded, only half listening to his stories as he walked her through the familiar territory. 

“Your room is exactly as you left it,” He was saying when she turned her head back to look at him. 

He was looking at her expectantly. “Are you hungry?” 

“I could eat.” 

“Come on.” He led her over to the elevator and they took it down to the third floor where the kitchen area was. 

The kitchen and the common room was packed full of fellow Avengers- she saw Wanda, Sam, Bucky, Scott, Hope and the others and Bruce waved to her from behind the counter. “I’m making some sandwiches. Do you want one?” 

She nodded gratefully. 

Her friends gathered around her to express their delight at seeing her up and about and she obligingly embraced them all when they came to offer hugs. 

“Are you alright?” Clint asked when he caught the expression on her face.

“This is a little overwhelming right now,” she admitted. 

“We can eat on the picnic table outside,” Rhodey suggested. He nodded over to Bruce and the four of them headed out the door, with Clint still holding onto her. 

XXXXX

Her eyes moved over every inch of every space and every person that she came into contact with, and even though it was all familiar and welcome she couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling inside her. 

Clint never stopped touching her, patting her hair, stroking her arm, holding her waist as if he couldn’t believe she was real. She wondered idly if he always touched her this much and she’d just never noticed before, but either way, she supposed she couldn’t really blame him. Part of her was still wondering if she was real too. 

She was mid-chew when the unsettled feeling took over and she gripped his arm tightly. “Where’s Tony?” She asked, a panicked expression on her face. “Where’s-where’s Steve?”  
Bruce looked away and Rhodey’s mouth set in a line. 

“Tasha, there’s a lot of things we need to talk about,” Clint said gently. 

XXXXX

She ran her hand over his face, taking in the rough patches and deep wrinkles . She looked into his eyes, the same clear, smiling blue eyes that reflected his trust in her. “It’s really you,” she whispered, feeling a heavy tug in her heart. 

“It’s you too,” He said in wonder, opening his arms for a hug. 

She eagerly stepped into his embrace, albeit gently as she didn’t want to crush him in her relief. 

“I’m not that fragile,” he whispered into her ear. 

She hugged him harder, her body relaxing into his and she was grateful when he hugged her back just as hard as she remembered he could, because a part of her felt that she would fall apart if he wasn’t there to keep her together. 

“I’m sorry,” she said as the tears fell freely down her face. “I know why you did what you did, and I’m happy for you. I really am. This is just a lot right now.”

“I know,” he said, patting her back. “I know.” He always did. 

She sniffled slightly. “I really am happy to see you,” she promised as she took a step back. She smiled weakly for his benefit. 

“It’ll be okay,” he told her. “It just takes a little while to get used to it. We can talk more when you’re not feeling so disoriented.” 

She nodded. “Where’s Tony?”

Steve tucked her arm safely in his. “We can go see him. But let’s talk on the way.” 

Rhodey and Clint followed dutifully behind them as they walked. 

XXXXX

She knelt down in the grass, reached out a hand to touch the gravestone as she listened to Steve’s account of what happened after she left them. 

“He was a hero,” Steve was saying in his gruff, raspy voice. “And he knew it. Now everyone else does too.” 

She was silent as she lightly traced the letters on the marker with her fingers, not really seeing them, although she knew what they spelled--Anthony Edward Stark. 

She turned around to face them. “Where is he really?” She asked, her voice even and her eyes steady on Steve’s. 

Rhodey looked over her head at Steve and Steve nodded. 

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s head back to the tower. I gotta make a call on the way.” 

XXXXX

Stephen Strange met them at the door of a room past the medical bay that she’d never seen before, despite living and working out of the tower for years. 

“When Steve went back in time to replace the stones at the exact moment they were taken, I brought your body back here and sent your soul to an astral plane while your body was healing.” 

“The sun,” she whispered, her eyes wide. 

“What?” He asked with a frown. 

“It was white, and endless. There was no concept of time, or anything else. I called it the sun,” she explained. She bit her lip. “Tony was there too.” 

Strange looked at her. “You could communicate with him?” 

She nodded wordlessly, craning her neck to see into the other room. 

“That’s fascinating,” he murmured. 

“Can we discuss this later?” Clint said. “She wants to see him.” 

“Wait.. If I’m back, then why isn’t Tony?” She wondered aloud. 

Strange looked at her gravely. “His body needed longer to repair than yours.” 

“But you can bring him back?” 

“I’m trying.” 

“Can I see him now?” 

“Nat,” Rhodey said gently. “We’ll go in there with you, but you need to brace yourself. It isn’t pretty.” 

“I don’t care. I just want to see him.” 

Strange opened the door and Clint took her hand as they filed in. 

She placed both hands over her mouth when she saw him, lying unconscious in the hospital bed, with every machine imaginable hooked up to him through various needles and tubes. A steady clinical beeping sound let her know that he was still alive. More tears rolled down her cheeks and a small sob escaped from her throat. 

“You can talk to him,” Stephen told her. “He can hear you.” 

“Can’t you see this is a little overwhelming for her?” Clint said a little angrily, his hand at the small of her back. “Come on, Nat. We’ll come back to visit later.” 

“No.” She shook her head. “I want to talk to him now. Alone.” 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Rhodey asked gently. “I’m sure he’d understand.” 

“Please.” 

His eyes met with Strange and Clint and he nodded. “Come on, guys. Let’s give her five minutes.” 

Clint squeezed her hand on the way out and Strange closed the door behind them. 

The machine beeped steadily and she took a step closer. “Tony,” she whispered. 

She hadn’t realized she was still moving forward until she was at his bedside, gazing down at his pale face and his long eyelashes touching his cheek as he lay unmoving. 

“Oh, Tony,” she said. “I don’t want you all alone in that place. I want you here. And I don’t want to do this without you.” 

She leaned down until she was level with him. “Come back to us,” she whispered into his ear. 

She reached down to slip her hand into his. “Come back to me.” 

His skin was warm and a current of electricity shot up her arm as she made contact. His fingers closed tightly around hers and she gasped as she raised her eyes up to meet with his deep brown ones. 

“N-Nat-tasha,” He rasped. His voice cracked, but it was his. 

She gulped down deep, fast breaths as she locked her eyes on his. “Help!” She shouted, not taking her hand out of his. “Somebody help!” 

XXXXX

The hall was buzzing with activity as an endless stream of doctors rushed into the room, with Strange loudly barking orders and Bruce and Rhodey trailing behind. 

She stood with Clint outside the room as they got to work, vaguely aware that he was trying to talk to her. 

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” She asked frantically. 

“I think these guys are going to try their best to make sure that’s the case,” Clint said gently. “And I think Strange brought you back successfully, so if anyone can do it, it’s him.” 

She gazed at him. “We should call Pepper, right?” 

“I think Bruce is already doing that. Why don’t you sit down, Tasha?” 

“I don’t want him alone in that place,” she replied. 

He looked at her sympathetically. “Do you want to tell me about that place?” 

“No.” 

“Okay. That’s fine. But you should tell somebody.” He frowned. “Bruce arranged for the Team psychologist to come here to see you.” 

Her eyebrows narrowed. “Team psychologist?” 

He shrugged. “We’ve all been through a lot, one way or another, during these five years. Steve and Bruce thought it would be a good idea. We’ve all talked to her. Her name’s Sophie. She’s nice.” 

He reached for her hand and she was silent for a minute as she contemplated the feeling of her hand in his versus the feeling of her hand in Tony’s before he’d woken up. 

It seemed like hours had gone by when Rhodey approached them. “Nat, he’s asking for you.” 

“He is?” She stood up, fidgeting with her hands as she followed him down the hall. She was surprised to see that it was empty. 

It should probably be just you so it’s not too much for him,” Stephen told her. 

She nodded. 

He smiled slightly. “He’s going to be fine, Ms. Romanoff. You don’t have to look so nervous.” 

She nodded again, taking a deep breath as she walked into the room, pulling the door closed behind her. 

“Agent Romanoff,” He said, his eyes sparkling when he saw her. “Hi.” 

She breathed out a sigh of relief. “Hi,” she said, a smile slowly spreading across her cheeks. 

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he said quietly. 

“You too,” she said. 

“I heard you’re the one who woke me up.” 

“I-I didn’t do anything,” she said honestly. “I just touched you.” 

“You don’t have to stay so far away,” he told her. “I won’t bite, I promise. You can come closer.” 

He grinned a signature Tony grin. “You can even touch me again, if you want.”

She hadn’t even realized that she’d been pressed up against the door, but she crossed the room quickly until she was by his side, reaching for his hand again. “Can I hug you?” She asked softly. 

“C’mere,” he murmured, propping himself up and holding out his arms. “I always want a hug from my favorite redhead.” 

She knelt down so she could be level with him, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her head against his chest. It might’ve been her imagination, but she thought she felt his heartbeat accelerate a little. 

“That was more than a minute,” he whispered. 

She laughed, picking her head up to look at him and he was smiling, his eyes shining and his dimples showing as he gazed back at her. 

“Pepper and Morgan will be here soon,” she told him. 

“Can you wait with me until they get here?” He asked. 

She nodded. “I can do that.”


	3. Chapter 2

“Can you describe this place you were in, Natasha?” The woman called Sophie asked. 

She frowned at the woman’s use of her fist name, even though she hadn’t told her she could use it. “Not in any way that you would understand, Dr. Sutton,” she said, gazing at the woman’s tight, gray curls and soft, welcoming expression.

Dr. Sutton smiled. “Please, call me Sophie, dear. And try me.” 

She sighed. “It was just endless. White. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. And all-consuming. Just like the sun.” 

The woman nodded, scribbling some notes in her pad. “Would you like to draw what it looked like?” 

She shook her head. “There’s not much to draw. Can I go with Clint now? I’m sure he’s still waiting right outside this door.” 

“Okay, Natasha. If that’s what you want. But we’ll meet here, same time tomorrow?” 

“Sure,” she said as she breezed through the door. 

XXXXX

The sun was shining and she was wearing her sunglasses, although she didn’t think anything would ever be as bright as where she was before. They had all taken a stroll to the park, even Steve, although she supposed that someone would have to take a taxi back with him.

Morgan was happily playing in the grass with Clint’s army of three and she smiled as she watched them, a picture of pure innocence. 

She gazed at Tony, who was lounging lazily in a chair. He’d wanted to be out there, playing with the kids, but Pepper and Rhodey had insisted that he take it easy and rest in the shade, despite his multiple assurances that he felt fine. She turned to Clint, who was never less than two feet away from her ever since she’d opened her eyes in the medical bay. 

He smiled at her, gently squeezing her hand and she thought that she could understand why Tony had succumbed to their urges to protect him. 

Laura was standing on the other side of her, chatting about all the gossip she’d missed out on while she was “away” as they’d all taken to calling it, but she was only half-listening.

“Tasha?” Her friend asked with a frown. “What do you say? I think we could both use a day of pampering. We could do mani-pedis, go to the salon and get our hair done, maybe a nice trip to the spa?” 

Clint was grinning from ear to ear. “Both my girls, having a girl’s day! That’s great!” 

“I don’t know,” She said, trying not to look directly at Laura’s disappointed expression. “Maybe another day.” 

She turned her attention back to where the kids were playing, but the Barton children had disappeared and Pepper and Happy were now with Morgan. The little girl was laughing happily as Happy tossed her into the air and caught her and she took off chasing after Pepper when he set her down. Pepper, of course, let the girl catch her, although everyone marveled at how fast she was. 

Natasha pushed her sunglasses up on her head and narrowed her eyes. Something about the way Happy’s hand was on Pepper’s arm as they pulled Morgan up from the grass caught her attention and made the hair at the back of her neck stand uneasily, but before she could let her mind linger on it, tiny hands were attaching themselves around her knees. 

“Auntie Nat!” Nathaniel squealed, hugging her fiercely and she tumbled to the ground. Lila laughed as she came up on the side of them, crouching down to try to help her while Nate climbed into her lap, and Cooper threw his arms around her shoulders from behind. 

“We’re so glad you’re back,” he told her seriously, and she couldn’t help ruffling his hair affectionately. 

“Me too,” she told them, wrapping her arms around all three of them at once. “I missed you guys.” 

Lila began twisting her hair into a braid, the girl’s long fingers gently coming through the tangles. “I love you, Auntie Nat,” she said softly. 

“I love you too,” she whispered, while three pairs of small hands touched her face and neck and hair. “I love all of you very much.” 

She looked up to where Tony was sitting in his chair, holding Morgan in his lap, his chin resting on the top of her head with a grave expression on his face while everyone else around them was loudly talking and laughing, but then Bruce called out something to him and his expression changed back into his usual charming grin as he pushed his glasses up on his nose. 

XXXXX

He lay back in his own bed in his own home, lost in thought. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Pepper said as she climbed in next to him. 

He turned his eyes to look at her in the darkness without moving his head. “I don’t need a penny. I’m me,” he said. 

She grinned, cozying up to him. 

He dutifully wrapped an arm around her and she rolled into him, kissing along his jaw as she moved her leg over his hips to straddle him. 

“Wait,” he whispered as she kissed down his neck. 

“Okay,” she whispered back. “What am I waiting for?” 

“I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right, right now.” 

She frowned. “It doesn’t, does it?”


	4. Chapter 3

“Can you describe your feelings about being in that place, Natasha?” 

“No.” 

Sophie didn’t get discouraged, handing her a blank piece of computer paper. “Would you care to draw your feelings about that place instead?” 

She took the paper, crumbling it up into a ball with one hand and throwing it against the wall. 

For the first time since she’d started seeing her, Sophie frowned. “You know, this would be much easier on all of us if you would just cooperate,” she said. 

Natasha shrugged. “If I’m expressing myself through art, that is how I felt about being in that place.” 

XXXXX

She was sitting on the couch next to Clint, staring blankly at the big screen in the common room. He’d insisted on watching Saturday morning cartoons, like they used to do sometimes when they were on a mission, holed up in a crappy hotel with nothing but each other and their senses of humor. 

“Just like old times,” he said, nudging her with his elbow. 

“It’s not just like old times, Clint,” she said, propping her chin up in her hand, her elbows resting on her knees. 

She heard a clatter from the kitchen behind them and she turned around, finding Tony shuffling through the cabinets. 

“What?” He said when he caught her looking. “I’m making breakfast.” 

Clint took one of her hands in both of his. “I really wish you’d talk to me,” he said softly. 

She turned her attention back to him. “I don’t know what to say,” she answered, just as softly. 

He sighed. “Look, I get it. You were gone, and now you’re not and I’m sure it’s unsettling and a little scary, but Tasha, we can work through this together. I’m right here.” 

“I know you are,” she said. “And I appreciate that more than you know.” 

“Maybe if you just focus on the things you used to like. Eventually it won’t be like you’re just going through the motions,” he said, a sense of pleading in his tone. “Why don’t you do the girls’ day thing with Laura? It could be good for the both of you.” 

“I’ll think about that,” she said, her eyes turning back to the kitchen. “Right now I’m going to go help Tony. Before he burns the kitchen down.” 

She rose up and strode over to the counter, taking a mixing bowl out of his hand. “Pancakes,” she said, reaching into a cabinet to pull out an electric mixer. “Try this. It might be faster.” 

He smiled gratefully. “How many of us are there today?” 

She shrugged. “All of us, I guess.” 

“Then I’m going to need a lot more help than I thought.” 

She rolled her eyes. “I guess it’s lucky for you that I’m awake this morning.” 

“Sure is,” he said quietly. 

She turned to look at him and he flicked some powdered dough at her face. She laughed, wrinkling her nose as she retaliated. 

XXXXX

It was late when she made her way back down to the kitchen, tiptoeing so as not to wake up the others. She turned on the oven light before grabbing a tea kettle and washing it out. The tower was silent, despite the fact that she knew that just about everyone and then some was home, scattered on different floors. 

Laura had taken the kids back to the farm, but she knew Clint had stayed over and she was surprised that she’d made it past his room without waking him. 

She rummaged through a couple of the cabinets before she found a box of teabags, it had been so long since anyone, let alone she, had really stayed here and it took her a moment to remember where things were. 

She took a seat at the counter, letting the teabag steep and scrolling through her phone reading the news in silence. She was still absently waiting for the words on the screen to make some sort of sense when she was startled by the ding of the elevator. 

She froze, her eyes on the hallway and she sighed inwardly in relief when she saw it was Tony. “Hey,” she said with a nod. 

He nodded back. “What are you doing up at..” he glanced at his Starktech watch. “One forty-nine in the morning?” 

“Couldn’t sleep,” she said with a shrug. “How about you? I thought you’d be back at your cabin.” 

“Yeah, well. I thought I’d stay here for a little while. Get re-acclimated with the Team,” he said as he took the seat across from her. 

She paused to get him a mug. “I just made some tea, but I guess I could get a pot of coffee on if you’d prefer.” 

He shook his head, gratefully accepting the mug. “Tea is fine.” 

She paused, watching him drink the hot liquid and he licked his lips after the first sip, looking back at her. 

He reached out a hand, gently ran a finger through a lock of her half-red, half-blonde hair. 

She kept her eyes on his. “I guess I haven’t really been keeping up with dyeing the blonde over the past five years,” she muttered. 

He shrugged. “I always liked the red better on you, but I don’t know. I kinda like it this way too,” he said, tugging lightly on the end of the strand. “It suits you.” 

“Yeah?” She said, raising an eyebrow. 

He smiled, tucking the strand back behind her ear. “Yeah. It reminds me of fire.” 

She smiled back as she reclaimed her seat across from him. 

“How are you doing since we’ve been back?” He asked quietly, setting his mug down. 

“Uhmmmm…” She thought for a moment, resting her chin in her hand. “I don’t know,” she said seriously. “I guess I haven’t had much time to think about it yet. Why, how about you? How are you doing?” 

He sighed. “You don’t have to pretend with me, Tasha. I see you.” 

Her eyes widened. 

“It’s weird being back, isn’t it?” Tony said. “To a world where everyone moved on without us.” 

“Like… Pepper and Happy?” She whispered. 

He looked up at her. “You saw that, huh?” 

“I think everyone did,” she said sympathetically, reaching for his hand across the counter. 

He looked down at their hands, rubbing his thumb over her palm before lacing his fingers through hers. “I’m probably going to be staying here in the tower for a little bit.” 

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “What can I do?” 

He shrugged. “Not much you can do, darling.” 

She jumped down from her seat, moving around the counter to where he was sitting and wrapping her arms around him. 

He eagerly returned her embrace, his hands stroking her hair in a way that made her sigh softly. “Thank you,” he murmured. “I’m always happy for a hug from my favorite redhead.” 

She managed a small smile. “I really am sorry,” she whispered. 

“I’ll be okay. I’ve had my heart broken before and managed to get it fixed, remember?” 

She nodded. “I do.” 

“That’s what’s so special about people like us. We get to come back, right?” 

She nodded again. “It kind of is weird being back though. I think I’m doing it wrong.” 

He smiled, reaching his hand under her chin and tilting her head back to look up at him. “I promise you, you’re not doing it wrong.” 

“I think I’m going to go up to bed,” she said. “See you in the morning?” 

“For sure.” 

She started to walk away. 

“Don’t forget, my room’s right down the hall from yours if you need anything,” he called. 

She turned back around. “You too,” she said softly.


	5. Chapter 4

“Can you describe your feelings about Tony Stark, Natasha?” 

She looked the older woman dead in the eye. “No.” 

Sophie took a sheet of blank computer paper and slid it to her. “Would you care to draw your feelings for Mr. Stark?” 

Natasha looked at the blank sheet of paper silently for a few moments before handing it back to her. 

Sophie sighed. “You know, this would be a lot easier on all of us if you would just cooperate, dear.” 

She kept her gaze steady on the other woman. “That is a drawing of my feelings for Tony,” she said. “ They’re like the sun, in that place. Endless, white. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. Consuming everything.” The legs of the chair creaked as she stood slowly and exited the room.

XXXXX

“We could head down to the basement gym. Do some sparring like we used to,” Clint said hopefully.

“I don’t think so,” she said. 

“Come on. Don’t you want to kick my ass by now?” He joked. 

Her eyes narrowed into a glare. “The last time I kicked your ass, one of us died, remember?” She snapped before heading out the sliding doors.

Tony frowned. “Don’t take it personally,” he said gently. “She’s been through a lot. I don’t know how long it was for her, being in that place, alone with her own thoughts and memories before I found her. I don’t know what it did to her.” 

“I just wish she’d try to talking to someone. Doesn’t have to be me. Just someone.” 

Bruce looked up from where he’d been sitting at the table. “She won’t talk to me, either. Should we call Steve? I could drive down to his apartment and go get him if he can pay us another visit.” 

Tony shook his head. “Give her a few minutes. And then let me talk to her.” 

XXXXX

She stood in the yard, alternating between watching the leaves fall off the tree and staring through the screen to the basement where Cassie Lang was playing with Morgan and the Barton kids. 

There was a cool breeze that moved the branches and rustled the leaves and she closed her eyes, trying to compare it to what it felt like on her face before. 

“Hey,” an even voice said. 

She opened her eyes, managing a small smile for him. 

“Mind if I join you?” He asked, taking his glasses off and folding them into the collar of his shirt. 

She shook her head, turning her attention back to the screen when she heard a particularly loud squeal. 

“That’s sweet, huh?” He said, a wistful smile on his face. 

She nodded. “That was a good idea, to have Scott’s daughter watch the little ones.” 

“Yeah, didn’t take a genius to figure that one out. Oh, wait. It did.” 

She turned her head to see him smiling a wide, open smile that showed all of his perfectly white teeth. “Was it your idea?” 

“Yup. I figured it’s about time we get her on the payroll. I was thinking we should create some sort of daycare area, maybe on the lowest level underground. For when we all really get back into the swing of things. Cause let’s face it, we’re going to have to sooner or later.” 

She smiled back. “Well, it looks like your plan is going to be a success.” 

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “How are you doing?” 

She shrugged. “Okay, I guess. How are you?” 

“Nat.” He was silent for a moment as he watched her, deciding what to say. “I just had to explain to my daughter about death and how it’s permanent. Only the odd thing is, the only three people she knows who died are Uncle Steve, who everyone says is dead. They even had a memorial service for him at her kindergarten, and yet here he is, looking older than her great-grandpa on her mom’s side and yet he’s still the same person.” 

Her mouth twitched slightly while she listened to him, her eyes trained on his movements as he ticked them off on his fingers.

“Then there’s Auntie Nat, who is clearly standing right here, and her daddy, who’s been tucking her into bed every night.” 

She leaned her head back as the breeze caressed her face. “She’ll learn soon enough, just like the rest of us did.” 

He cocked his head to the side. “What are your plans for today?” 

“I don’t-I don’t know. I guess I don’t have any plans. Why?” 

“I need a cheeseburger.” He fished around in his pocket for his keys. “Gonna head to the drive through. You want to come?” 

“Uh, sure.” She headed towards the tower. “I guess I should just go tell Clint real quick.” 

“What for? Is he your keeper? What, you can’t take a drive with an old friend?” 

She turned her head to look at him. He winked at her and a grin started to spread across her face as she followed him to his car, climbing into the silver Audi as he put his sunglasses back on his face. 

XXXXX

He pulled over in the parking lot, pushing his seat back as he unwrapped the burger. 

Natasha did the same, adjusting her long legs. “We’re going to eat in the car?” She asked incredulously. “You never let anyone eat in any of your cars.” 

He shrugged, taking a bite. “Little things like that seem kind of dumb now, huh?” He asked with his mouth half full. 

She chewed on the burger thoughtfully. 

He scarfed his down in half the time it took her to nibble at hers, and she watched him as he licked the salt off his fingers. “Now that, that was a damn good burger,” he said, still savoring the taste. “How about yours?”

“It is a really good burger,” she said, swallowing the last bite. 

He stuck the key in the ignition but he didn’t turn it on, turning instead to face her. “Nat,” he said softly. “It’s just us. Just you and me, darling. How are you feeling, really?” 

Before she even realized what was happening, tears were falling down her face and she was sniffling. “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “Everything’s the same, but everything’s so different, and I’m different and I don’t know how to feel,” she cried. 

He reached over, placing a steady hand on her shoulder. “Talk to me, sweetheart.” 

She looked up at him with teary eyes. “I’m not okay,” she admitted. 

He smiled softly. “I know. But it’s okay that you’re not okay.” 

“Are you okay?” She whispered. 

“I’m getting there.” 

She was quiet for a moment, taking in a shaky breath before she continued. “It’s like, I feel so lost. I don’t want to be lost in my own life, but I don’t know. I don’t know how to get out of here,” she said, looking down at her hands in her lap. 

“Well, then I guess you’re stuck with me for an eternity, darling.” 

Her eyes widened and her head snapped up, her gaze locking on his. “So you do remember.” 

He nodded. “I remember. I remember… everything.” 

“Oh.” For some reason that made her cry harder. 

“Listen to me for a minute,” he said, putting an arm around her and she ducked her head into his shoulder. “You’re still you, Nat. Everything’s different, that’s true. But you’re still you.” 

“How do you know that?” 

“Because I know you. I see you. And this is the third time I’ve come back from the dead, remember?” 

She managed a weak laugh. 

“You’re still you. I know you can’t see it yet, but you’re still you. You still like the things you like, and you still like doing the things you like to do.” He paused for a moment. “And you still dislike doing the things you dislike,” he added with a twinkle in his eyes. 

That earned him a real laugh. 

“Come on, let’s head back. We’ll do it together. What do you say?” 

She nodded, reaching for his hand as he started the ignition. He held onto her hand the whole way home.

XXXXX

“Hey, Tasha,” he said thoughtfully as he pulled into the garage. “If you could have anything, anything in the world that you wanted. What would it be?” 

She looked into his eyes as he removed his glasses, taking in the soft brown and the lighter flecks. “I don’t know if I should tell you that,” she whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

“So I says to Quill, I don’t know maybe it’s a good thing that Thor is back on earth, with the rest of those guys and he just agreed with me, just like that. Quill’s never agreed with anyone! I knew it was eatin him up from the inside,” Rocket was saying through the comm link. 

Natasha smiled at his story. 

“How about you, you doin okay?” 

She nodded. 

“Weird bein back, huh?” The raccoon asked. 

“Yeah, it really is,” she said with a sigh. 

“Well, I’m glad to see ya, kid,” he said gruffly. 

“Me too,” she replied. 

“Geez, I’m so spoiled. First I get Groot back, then I get you. Now all we gotta do is find Gamora and we’re all set.” 

“I hope you find her,” she said seriously. 

“Yeah. Anyway, I guess I should get goin. Quill says he needs the screen to change course.” 

“Okay. Talk soon?” She asked hopefully.

“You better,” he said. “Hey, kid. You did good. You know that right? You did real good by all of us.” 

“Thanks,” she said with a soft smile as she waved goodbye. 

Clint cleared his throat from the doorway of the communication room. 

“Hey,” she said, gesturing for him to come inside. 

“How are they?” He wondered. 

“They’re doing great,” she told him. “What’s up with you?”

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked hesitantly.

She nodded. “Of course.” 

“Are you happy….. that we brought you back? Do you want to be here, with us?” 

“Clint,” she sighed. “Of course I want to be here. You’re family. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world,” she assured him. 

She leaned over to give him a hug and he eagerly held her. “It’s just been really hard figuring things out, you know?” 

“Yeah, I know,” He said. “You know I love you, right?” 

She nodded. “I love you too.” 

“I didn’t get a chance to tell you that, back on Vormir. And for the life of me, I couldn’t remember when was the last time I said that to you.” 

She smiled. “Well, the fact that you brought back the soul stone kind of counts as a spoiler alert,” she said.

He smiled back. “I’m serious. I wasn’t going to be okay, without you here. I just want you to be okay too. I’m sorry if I took it a little too far.” 

She shook her head. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.” 

“Can we be best friends again?” 

She held him tighter. “We can be best friends again. And I’ll text Laura and tell her that I want to go out on that girls only date. Do you think she still wants to do that?” 

“Hell yeah,” he said. “Of course she still wants to. “ 

“Hey, I’m playing chess with Steve in the common room tonight. Do you want to join us?” 

He shook his head. “I’ll just let that be your thing with him. Maybe you and I can do something that’s ours tomorrow.” 

“I’d really like that,” she told him seriously. 

XXXXX

She sat in the common room across from Steve as they moved their pieces around the board, deciding that she would let him think he was three moves ahead for awhile. 

The lights were dimmed, but she could still see his features clearly and she thought she might grow to like the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and the lock of overgrown gray hair that fell into his eyes sometimes until he blew it away. 

“So, do you want to talk about that place?” He asked, his voice different from what she knew, yet somehow the same. 

She shook her head. “I’m trying to not talk about it, actually. I’m thinking I’d rather live in the now than think about the past or worry about the future for awhile,” She told him seriously. 

“Sounds like a good plan,” he said. “And you’ve certainly earned that right.” 

She gestured to the ring on his hand. “Are you going to finally tell me who your mystery wife is? I promise I won’t tell the others. Even though I think I already know.” 

“That depends.” He brushed one of her pieces off the board with his. “On whether or not you’re going to tell me how long?”

“How long what?” she asked, absent-mindedly playing with a loose strand from her ponytail as she looked up at him. 

“How long have you had a crush on Stark?” He asked, his blue eyes twinkling in the dim light.

Her eyes widened slightly, but she quickly recovered. “I’m not twelve. I don’t get crushes.” 

He clicked his tongue. 

She glanced at the time on the microwave, knowing that he’d be home from tucking in his daughter soon. “It’s the woman in your compass, isn’t it? Margaret Carter?” 

He nodded. “I owed her a dance, from a long time ago. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t deliver on that promise.” 

Her skin pricked at the word ‘dance’ and he frowned. “What is it?” 

“Nothing, it’s just…. I just remembered dancing with Tony, in that place……” She stopped, turning her attention back to him. “I’m really happy for you, Steve. You deserve to have everything you’ve ever wanted. And I’m really proud of you for doing it.” 

The elevator dinged and Steve leaned across the table. “Well, life’s too short for people like us to not go after the things we want, right?” 

Just then Tony breezed through the room, his face brightening when he saw them. “What do we have here?” He asked, nodding at Steve. “Is Natasha letting you win again?” 

He humphed as she won the game, raising her hands up in victory and she laughed. 

“How was your day?” Tony asked her, tugging on her ponytail affectionately. 

“It was good. I took your advice. I talked to Rocket, had lunch with Clint and now I just beat the pants off this old man,” she said with a genuine smile. “And I’m thinking that I will take Laura up on that girls’ day after all.” 

“That’s nice,” he said, reaching into a cabinet for a mug. “Just know that no amount of beauty products in this world can ever possibly hold up to how beautiful you already are,” he added as he filled the mug with coffee before heading back to the elevator. 

Steve raised an eyebrow at her, but she pretended not to notice.


	7. Chapter 6

She slowly made her way down the hall, tiptoeing past Clint’s room, even though she knew it was empty since he’d gone back home to the farm that evening. 

Before she could stop herself, she knocked on the door to the last room on the left. She was about to turn around and head back to her quarters, when she felt, more than heard the door open. 

“Nat?” He asked, groggy but awake. “What’s wrong?” 

“Tony,” she breathed. “Did I wake you?” 

He shook his head, gesturing for her to come inside. “No, no. C’mere.” He closed the door behind her and she blinked in the darkness. “What’s the matter? Are you okay?” 

She nodded, taking in the sight of him shirtless, his pajama pants hung low on his hips and the soft glow from his arc reactor shining a blue light on her face as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “I’m okay,” she whispered, her throat feeling suddenly dry. “Just couldn’t sleep. I wanted to see if you were awake. It’s okay, I’ll go back to my room.” 

“No, I’m up,” he said. “Stay.” 

“Okay.” She gazed at him, biting at her lower lip. 

“I actually couldn’t sleep either,” he admitted. 

She tilted her head to the side. “Really?” 

“Yeah. I was wondering how you were doing without Clint sleeping in the next room. Guess I got my answer. You can sleep in here if you just need to be close to someone.” 

Her eyes widened at his suggestion. “Um… it’s not that… it’s actually….” 

He smiled softly at her. “Talk to me, sweetheart.” 

She took a deep breath. “I was just thinking about last night. When you asked me what I would want, if I could have anything.” 

“And?” 

“And I just want to feel alive again. I want to feel like my breath is my own, like my heart is on fire, like my skin can be touched.” 

He took a step towards her, then another and another, slowly until he was standing right in front of her and they were breathing the same air and she couldn’t move. “So, what are you saying? You want to pick up where we left off? Is that it?” 

Her heart started pounding in her ears, her stomach almost dropping to the floor and she wondered for a moment why she’d said anything at all and then his hand was sliding along her jaw, tilting her head back and she could only close her eyes as his lips touched hers. 

She made a soft sound in the back of her throat when they connected, placing her hands against his chest, tracing the scar tissue where the old arc reactor used to be and his heart sped up when she touched him, just like it had that first day in the hospital bed. 

“Oh,” she breathed when he pulled slightly away. 

“It’s good, right?” He asked, his lips still almost touching hers, his breath warm on her face. 

She nodded. “It’s good,” she repeated, her eyes locked on his. 

“Good,” he whispered, kissing her again, his hands running lightly down her bare arms, causing the electric current to travel up her skin everywhere his fingertips touched and she kissed him back, passionately. 

Her arms encircled his neck as she invaded his space and breathed in his clean masculine scent, and she could hear his breath against her ear as he kissed her face and neck and her gaze was locked on his and she felt endless in his eyes and his embrace. His hands went to her waist, pulling her against him and she moved her hands to his back, feeling his muscles contract beneath her fingertips. 

He was pulling up her shirt, and she shivered slightly at his hands skimming along her bare skin, sliding across her tummy and tracing her ribs before he pressed her into him, skin against skin, stomach against stomach, chest to chest as he continued to kiss her deeply, consuming her senses. 

She kept her hands on him, feeling the rise and fall of his back and the pressure of his stomach against hers as he breathed and she gave into him. 

“Now how do you feel?” He whispered, his lips still pressed against hers. 

“Alive,” she whispered back into his mouth as he consumed her again.


End file.
